Sensitivity Training

Referring to woman as Monthly challenged is not politically correct, nor is it funny. I realize this now, after one harassment suit, a broken thumb, and two black eyes. Some lessons are learned the hard way. However, the part that I have the most trouble with is misplaced humor. Humor that was intended to mean something entirely different than the way it was received.

Take for instance the line, "why that is mighty white of you". It was a great non-confrontational humor line from the 50's. However, when it was spoken to Vernice Wolfdances of the Choctaw tribe at the office Christmas party, it was received in a different way. She slammed down her drink and stormed off. I told her later, in an apology, that I meant it as harmless expression. I had no thought as to the connotation of what it meant to her heritage. It just happened to come out. Afterwards, she shared a story of how hard it was to leave her reservation and go to college. How was I supposed to know it was a "painful" topic to her? After convincing her that I was not a racist, I asked her if she wanted me to get her drink. Vernice, once again, was enraged. Maybe it was due to the fact that I didn't actually refer to her drink as a "drink", per se, but instead called it “firewater”. I thought a little joke could help break the racial divide and ease the tension. Evidently not!

As she stormed away, I put my hand on her shoulder, and maybe this is where I made the mistake, and said "Are you monthly challenged right now, or what?" I cannot recall what happened next, but through the grace of a security camera, I relived the experience in front of a Federal mediator. Vernice grabbed my hand twisted the wrist under, breaking my thumb, and proceeded to punch me in both eyes, and once in the nose.

After losing my job, and spending 6 weeks in a court ordered sensitivity course, I can now see the errors of my ways. Don't let a single word, however insignificant, slip through your lips without prior reflection.

Complaint Letter Received at Quaker Oats

To Whom it may concern:

Everybody has those days where they take inventory of their lives, and put things into perspective. Thanksgiving, for me, has always been one of those days to where I look and recognize where I have prospered. Thanksgiving is the time where many people look into their lives and come together with friends and family to realize the true fruits of their labor to harvest, per se, what they have sown.

Looking at my life, I have to give thanks for the many things that have been bestowed upon me. I am blessed to get up everyday and go to a good job, not great, but a good job that keeps my family fed and helps pay all of our bills. Many people in the past few years have suffered hardships through the loss of their job, but I have had a continuous salary, although it was cut by 20% to keep my job, but we all need to make cuts to continue on. Sure, it may have put us into the red a few months, but all in all…we are still making it. No thanks to the mortgage company who raised our escrow by $75 a month to cover tax hikes from good ole city hall which put a further pinch into the monthly budget, but we are making it. Everyone else may be cutting jobs, but city hall feels it needs to increase employees to cover whatever programs, they should do it. Increasing our taxes is a byproduct of progress. It just torques me to pay even more taxes for those greedy bastards. However, that increase is welcomed by my household in the name of progress.

We are blessed to be able to drive great distances to find work, which I myself have a 60 mile roundtrip to work. I am blessed to have a place to work, I know this, but with rising prices of gasoline makes it awfully tough to get there day in a day out without going bankrupt. My family has made more cuts in the budget to accommodate rising fuel costs, so what if we can’t afford cable. Cable is only an extra in good times, right? Some say you can’t put a price tag on entertainment, but I have to say putting a $70 per month charge for 200 channels of crap doesn’t make sense anymore. How can they justify a Judge Judy channel and a rate increase in the same year…it is just ludicrous, by I realize you have to pay to play, so my house is no longer playing the poke-you where it hurts game by cable companies. Despite being a loyal customer for years, we tuned it out

which only allows us to use the money in other areas. SO we are thankful for the opportunity to say no sir, no more cable because this isn’t about hardship this is about Thanksgiving.

In the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims faced hardships their first year which led to the Thanksgiving feast, and we do the same in celebration. I can celebrate that, but I do not celebrate the price of groceries. Almost $3 for a gallon of milk, I remember you could buy a cow for $3. This is crazy. Why don’t we just all go down and work for the damn store since they want so much of us? Can’t eat money, so I guess might as well trade all that we have for whatever slop they can throw in a box. Thanks a lot Mr. Grocery man. Thanks for allowing my family to eat Sweet Sue canned turkey this year. I am sure the crazy gel is to preserve the bird you plopped into that can in 1955, but why so much gel? Do you have to make EVERYTHING taste like spam? The drumsticks on the stupid bird smell like Vienna Sausages, but hey a little Sweet Sue gravy and everything is all right, right? No it’s not all right. Can’t a working man at least enjoy a non-compressed meat, that is not 75% Turkey, and 25% squirrel? Can you cut us a break? It is Thanksgiving after all, you can at least for one week thank us for putting your kids through some Ivy league school that specializes in business, that is the business of screwing the common man.

How about the government? We pay them about a third of what we make. Why can’t they give back? The only Thanksgiving they know is thanks for the memories asshole, keep working, by the way we want more. So you know what I say? Thanks to those damned Pilgrims. It’s entirely their fault. Those Belt buckled hat wearing funnel gun shooting pansies couldn’t hack in the old world, so let’s start this new one. Screw the Pilgrims! Screw them, screw Turkeys, screw the Indians, and screw the Mayflower!. Go back to where you came from and take your Quaker Oats with you! Matter of fact, take that fat ass Wilford Brimley too. That smug bastard, “Quaker Oats, it’s the right thing to do”. Here, Wilford, enjoy some Sweet Sue part turkey/part gelatinous spam, and lets all hope that that gel isn’t a carcinogen. Would that be the right thing to do? Well it isn’t for me? Why don’t you take all the damned sweet potatoes you can, and stuff them right up the pie chute. I have a better idea, dig up the Mayflower, and send it all back to the hell it came from. Screw it all!!! Thanks for nothing. Happy Thanks-for nothing-giving!

Angrily yours,
Pilgrim Hater

CC: Sweet Sue Meat packaging

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No puppy! No!

Day 1: My wife and I went to pickup the puppy. He is only 8 weeks old. My wife has prepared a shoebox for the puppy to ride home in. Upon arrival to the breeders, a small dog wanders its way up to us. He is a beautiful dog, a light blond/golden look. I said to my wife, he must be from a previous litter. The Breeder comes out and tells me the dog is actually our puppy. I told the breeder that there must be some mistake; we were looking for the 8 week old puppy. He said that is the 8-week old puppy. I asked him if he had a trash can to throw the shoebox in.
On the drive home my wife asked, what did the farmer say as we were leaving? I told her, I think he said the puppy may get car sick. On cue, the puppy spit up 15 pounds of semi digested puppy chow.

After Week 1: We bought Puppy training spray. The directions say. After puppy soils an area, spray the diameter of area, and puppy will not continue to go in the same spot. The puppy peed on living room rug. I cleaned the spot scolded the puppy, and sprayed the training spray on the rug. The Puppy pooped under the kitchen table. I scolded the puppy and sprayed under the table. Since, the puppy has peed on the rug, in the same general location at least 3 times day for 5 straight days, and has pooped in the same spot once every day. After 4 days I sprayed the entire carpet. After 5 days, and 2 bottles of Training spray, I sprayed the entire puppy. Puppy continues to soil carpets. Good news, there wasn't much to clean up on the lawn.

After week 2: The retriever in the puppy is really showing. I was in my office when the puppy trotted down the hall with an envelope in his mouth. I took the envelope and said good puppy. He trotted away and came back with a magazine. I took the magazine and petted his head. He trotted away and came back with a rubber kitchen glove that had a hole in, but the hole was not from him. Good puppy, good good puppy! He trotted away and came back with an empty cereal box. I got up from my desk and went to the kitchen to find the trash can overturned, and the contents spilled through out the kitchen floor.

After week 3: I read online that to train a puppy to sit, you must force him into the position while repeating in a clear voice "sit!". I forced the puppy to sit, and said sit 5 times. Once I let go, the puppy got up and tried to walk away. I grabbed the puppy and said sit then I forced him into a sitting position. I wrestled with him again, and again. Finally he sat and he looked at me. I said again, "sit!", he immediately rose. I said "sit!', he stared at me. I forced him back into a sitting position. I said sit, and he rose again. In frustration, I yelled Damnit! The puppy sat. I said sit, he rose. Damnit, the puppy sat. I said sit, and he rose again. My frustration boiled over, and the puppy ran. I yelled "Damnit! sit!". He stopped and sat. I thought I finally made my Helen Keller break though. I gently said "sit" he rose. Damnit! The puppy sat again.

After week 4: I noticed a tooth in the puppy's food disk, so I read the section of the puppy training book on teething. It read if puppy starts chewing on things other than designated toys, lightly swat the puppy's nose and say no. The puppy was chewing on my shoe, so I swatted him on the nose and said no. He continued to chew on my shoe. I swatted him again, he briefly looked up at me, and went back to chewing on the shoe. I swatted his nose a little harder. He growled. I swatted his nose with the puppy trainer book, and he got up and walked away. I went to put my shoe back in the bedroom, when I came back the puppy had the trainer book on the floor and had chewed most of the text unreadable.

After week 5. It has rained for most of the week, and the puppy would not go outside. I stood in the rain with his beloved Monkey ball, trying to get him to come outside. He wouldn't budge from the doorway. I dragged him out into the rain, but once he was free, he grabbed his monkey ball and ran back into the house. After I cleaned the muddy footprints up off the kitchen floor. I forced him outside, and closed the door. The puppy looked in at me from the glass slider door, but I went to watch some TV. I came back 5 minutes later, and he was still on the top stair looking in. I went back to my TV program, and came back 15 minutes. He was off the stair. So I went to the door to look outside for him. He came walking up with what looked like 4 brown boots, and chocolate smile. After giving him a bath, I put him to bed in his kennel. Sometime about 2 am, I heard him whining so I went to look in his kennel. He was no longer Golden. He has dark brown splotches all over him. Turns out the muddy water makes for a great dog laxative.